Surfing with the tribe of dolphins yesterday made me think about kinship, family, friends and how I am absolutely crap at negotiating these things. I have spent most of my life convinced that I was an alien, that I didn't really belong to the human race and that I was only here on account of some terrible mistake. I don't trust people easily, I don't ask for help and I generally prefer my own company. This attitude has coloured my entire life, it is my personal myth and I admit it has not really been that helpful a lot of the time.
I have tried to blame this on my upbringing of course, the family dynamics that shaped my first 9 years. Except that my mother tells me (with slight frustration) that even when she tried to cuddle me as a young child I would wriggle off her lap impatiently, that I was fiercely independant and refused any assistance - I wanted to do everything myself. It seems I was a difficult child to love in the first place. It is just who I am.
Being sick lately has forced me to ask other people for help. This goes against every cell in my body but I think if there is a lesson here (I know there is one, probably several - I just don't want anyone else to enlighten me) it is this: it is a necessary part of being human to ask for help when you need it. I am fine with helping others - I do it all the time. I constantly surprise myself because although I consider I am a very impatient person (and my partner would agree whole-heartedly) I seem to have unending patience with others when they need my support. I obviously value this aspect of human relations but have difficulty applying these principles to myself. This is simply because I hate being sick weak and vulnerable and have ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself.
I am not quite ready to admit I am human though.....
