Apart from physical 'death', this annihilation has been almost complete. Just like the dream I had a few weeks ago - where I hit a solid object and exploded into a thousand pieces.
EVERYTHING is up for evaluation. EVERYTHING. There is not one part of my life untouched. Identity, sense of self worth, thesis, relationship, job......Inevitable if you can't do what you usually do. Nothing left if you can't do what you normally do - any of it. No walking, unable to sit at the computer for more than 15 minutes. No surfing, no thesis, can't finish the big paintings, can't do your job, can't resort to the usual escape mechanisms - like surfing, dancing, walking on the beach. Can't even swim.
Lots of physical pain, sleep difficult. Lots of emotional pain. Cried as much as when my Mum left when I was 9. Cried for everything, about everything - until I am completely exhausted. Breakdown? - sure. Breakthrough - I hope so. It's one thing to understand what is happening, another to live it. Annihilation of the ego, almost unbearable.
What's next? I don't honestly know. Still waiting. Healing slowly. Waiting. Waiting. For clarity. No doing, just being - whatever that is.
