“… surely all this is not without meaning. And still deeper the meaning of that story of Narcissus, who because he could not grasp the tormenting, mild image he saw in the fountain, plunged into it and was drowned.… It is the image of the ungraspable phantom of life; and this is the key to it all”
Herman Melville, Moby Dick
My father's 49 days in transition between his previous life and his next are over. Maybe serendipitously and maybe not, last night I had a dream about him.
It was a very neutral dream. I could see my brother and I in the 'foreground' (which suggests that I was also the third party watching) Dad was a fair way away in the 'background'. He was just there, sort of watching over us, but no longer troubled or attached. It was a good dream - it felt like a resolution of my 'vigil' and I hope I was able to help him in some way. I also feel that I am now free to talk about him more honestly because I won't be adding to his difficulties in passing over. He has gone.
I fully expected my foot to start feeling better after this period of time had passed - and today it did. I had figured out that the injury had something to do with him. I said to someone: I think my father is my Achilles heel. I think I was right. When I found out what that myth was really about it made perfect sense. It was all about 'narcissistic rage'.
I have briefly mentioned my extremely short fuse and unreasonably bad temper. I was fully aware that I had inherited this aspect of my personality from my father. When I did the research I discovered an actual clinical study into the relationship between physical illness and this type of rage, and of course there was one. The study quoted from the tale of Moby Dick because it used the example of Ahab's unrealistic non-acceptance of mortality to illustrate its point.
It's time to own it, to look really hard into that mirror-water so as not to drown. Hard lessons - but they are always the best ones.
Image 1: Achilles from some random movie.
Image 2: James Turrell, “Bridget’s Bardo” (2008)
