As most of you know, this is the week of commencement for most college students that will graduate and move out into the real world. (shutter) Since no one decided to ask me to give a speech at their commencement week, seriously if Jimmy Fallon is giving one for God’s sake, I deserved at least an offer from someone.
I figured that I will blog my own; hell if it can get me on ESPN it could get a cameo on Oprah for sure.
To the graduates of 2009:
I’ll be honest. You are pretty much screwed due to the economy and the true lack of any jobs out there. Trust me for someone who graduated in the year of 2008, there is really is nothing left. When a janitorial job in Ohio gets 500 applicants, then you know there is a problem.
Hopefully you got into graduate or law school, and then at least you might have an out in the next couple years. However for the rest of you who decided to beer-bong, find yourself as an artist, or whore yourself out to a bunch of strange guys, you are pretty much screwed as well.
For guys in the real world, you are pretty much screwed when it comes to women unless you have at least one of the following, a nice car, a six-pack, or a job. Since a job is almost out of the question, then you must either be a male model or an NBA player to get girls.
Also for those tricks you learned in college, almost 99% do not work in the real world. In college, all you needed were some beer, some weed, a bed and you could confuse any 18 or 19-year old girl into sleeping with you. In the real world, you have to show your bankroll, your intelligence, or even your sensitivity to even sniff the bedroom.
Also say farewell to that level of talent as well, sure there are still many pretty girls but they are usually few and far between. In your life, unless the afterlife is a Greek orgy, College will be the pinnacle of poon for you. In the real world, you actually have to make an effort to get to know someone instead of Facebook stalking them or hooking up with a drunken version of them at a party. Nothing changes the game when you’re chasing 18 and 19 year old blond hotties to overweight 23-year olds who still ask if you’re old enough to be at the club.
For the ladies, you are pretty much screwed as well. Men will give you the time of day but unless you look like Erin Andrews or Melanie Collins, you have to claw and scratch for acceptance in the world. The job front does not really even it out either since chauvinism still exists in society, pretty girls will get promoted and smart girls will be held back unless you are really smart like Danica McKellar smart. Although, even she had to play a former sorority girl that has a threesome with Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother.
You will find a solid friend base but it will turn against you (a la He’s Just Not That Into You) when it comes to guys since most of them will be single and bitter which will eventually prevent you from true happiness. Oh well, hopefully one of them will be able to cook on some level.
For any ethnic group, you’re pretty much screwed all on fronts, and then all you have to do is add “racism” and stir it together to make a nice Molotov cocktail.
Honestly, the best things that happen during your days are that funny YouTube video about the cats on the treadmill, getting painfully drunk on the weekends, figuring out if Adam Lambert is going to be the next American Idol, and cheering for Jim and Pam to get married on the Office.
However, all is not lost. At least you will never have to use actual math again, you will not need to take an actual test unless it is pertaining to your job, you will mostly likely not have to deal with douchy college guys and forget the need to read books unless you are in a job that needs to read books.
Hopefully you got to enjoy the four years because in the end it is all done hill from here until you get to retire to Miami, Florida or some sunny island in Italy.
Thank You and Good Luck, you will most certainly need it.
Outside the Boxscore’s Commencement Address
