WHOA!

I really don't want to know what kind of clientele you service if you have to put this sign in your window:

(via passiveaggressivenotes.com)

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Not Always Right

I found this story on the site Not Always Right--and it made me laugh.  Hope you enjoy.

(I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)
Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”
Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”
Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*
Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”
Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”
Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”
(I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)
Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”
Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”
(The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

How can people be so damn stupid?

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Really...REALLY???

To begin with, I am not trying to pretend to be the best-dressed, most sophisticated person in the world.  Heck, I'm probably not even the best-dressed person in my extended family!  (I tend to wear yoga pants and Red Wing t-shirts the vast majority of the time.)  So, I'm really trying not to be mean with this post.

The other day I had to go shopping.  There was a snow-storm predicted--which we didn't get once again--and my pantry resembled Mother Hubbard's cupboard, only with less food in it, so I HAD to shop.  Usually when I go shopping, I begin my evening at a general merchandise store, such as Walmart--and this is where this story takes place.

I'm sure most, if not all, of us have visited the site People of Walmart.  I find much of what I see there frightening and disturbing--but I think it affects me so much because I'm very, very afraid I'll see my own picture there some day.  {shudder}  Anyway, when I was in the store the other night, I found a perfect candidate for the site.  I DIDN'T get a picture because I'm sure the woman would have beat me severely for doing so and would have taken much, much pleasure in my pain.  BUT, I think I can paint a pretty good picture with words, so here goes:

First, the woman was anywhere from the age of 35 to 85.  And however old she is, her face would STILL not look good for her age.  Her hair was straw-colored bleach blond and the 'straw' reference didn't end there--it looked as if she had never heard of conditioner.  She looked like she had visited every bar in three counties in the last two months AND smoked a carton of cigarettes in each.  She was wearing low-cut jeans.  On top, she was wearing a vest that hit her mid-thigh.  The vest was leather and, other than possibly a bra, she was not wearing anything else.  The vest only had a closure at breast-level and it was completely open the rest of the way.  Her stomach was exposed so that I got a very good look at her bread-doughy, bumpy belly/muffin top.  While she wasn't more than 10-15 pounds overweight, she was nowhere near an age that could pull off this clothing.  About the only place a woman in this age group could possible fit in would be at the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally--but nowhere else.  And the best part of all of this?  She was a Walmart employee!  No, she wasn't wearing her Walmart tunic, but she DID have her name tag on and she was organizing shelves when I saw her.  And all I can say is:  REALLY??????

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Using Computers and The Interwebs

If you are reading this, then you probably know how to use the interwebs.  And if you are reading this, you probably know how to use computers.  And if both of the previous sentences are true, you more likely than not have been asked by someone to find the answer to a question by using the interwebs.  A question they can find the answer to themselves, simply by using Google.  And that is why so many computer users--geeks, as well as 'normal' people--get livid when asked to 'find' answers.

I LOVE my computer.  While I'm not a total geek, I tend towards that description.  I'm not quite as computer-savvy as I used to be--a few years ago I KNEW I could build my own computer, but I'm not so sure these days.  That being said, I do have a knowledge that a lot of my friends and family don't.  I don't mind being asked to look up information for people--especially those who don't have computers or lack the experience I have.  I've often thought that I could make money by doing searches for others, but setting something like that up would actually take time and effort, neither of which I'm willing to do.  So, I will be content to search for houses to rent in the southwest for my sister-in-law and look to see if the knife The Husband wants is still being manufactured.  I have the time to do these things and it doesn't really take away from what I may WANT to do.  However...

I do have a problem when someone asks me to find out 'why is the sky blue?' or any simple, easily Googled question such as that.  I also have a problem when someone asks me to do a search for them, but THEY are on the computer themselves for 20 hours of every day.  EXCUSE ME!?!?!?  And just why can't you do it yourself?  And, obviously, many people feel the same as I do, because there is a site that has been developed called 'Let Me Google That For You'--http://lmgtfy.com/.  This is for those people who find it more convenient to bother you with their question than Google it for themselves.  It is an easy to use, step-by-step course in how to use Google to get the answers you are seeking.  So, if you don't want to pass on this link whenever someone asks you a simple question, make sure you say--in your MOST sarcastic voice--"Just wait a second and let me Google that for you."  It might help, but I doubt it.

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Fun and Laughs

This probably has been ALL over the intertubes, but I just saw it for the first time.  When you go to the Google search page and type in 'where is chuck norris' and then you hit the 'I feel lucky' button, fun and amusing things happen.

And the results are:

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Run, before he finds you
• Try a different person

I got a definite chuckle over this one.  :D

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I Want To Know This Person

While I haven't had a stranger make a comment about my psoriasis, several family members HAVE--and I don't care WHO makes a rude comment, it hurts.  This person is my hero--and probably had way too many rude comments made and decided to 'get back' at people who make them.  It also is very, very funny.  Via Not Always Right.

Convenience Store | North Battleford, SK, Canada

(I have psoriasis, a hereditary condition which leaves me with large red patches on my scalp. This occurs while I am waiting in line at a convenience store with a woman standing behind me.)
Customer: “What’s wrong with you?”
Me: “I beg your pardon?”
Customer: “Those ugly blotches all over your head. What do you have?”
Me: “Oh, it’s a highly contagious flesh eating disease. Very painful.”
Customer: “Oh my gosh! Really? How contagious is it?”
Me: “Well, you probably already have it.”
Customer: *rushes out of the store in a panic*

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What Did We Do Without Computers/The Interweb?

Growing up, I was always told that the only people in the US with our last name were the ones in The Father's immediate family:  Him, his brothers, and their sons.  About 30 years ago, I accidentally found one more person with the same name.  He was adopted from Scandinavia, his parent were deceased, and he had one much older sister.  As of today, I can't find anyone other than him and his children--and my uncles, cousins, etc--with my maiden name here in the States.  That is freaking awesome!

Now, in Europe/Scandinavia, the story is much different--the last name seems to be more prevalent.  On Facebook, there are a number of people with the name--and there is a 'page' dedicated to everyone with the name.  When I search on FB, I'm able to find well over 100 people who have the name, whether they were born to it or married into it.  Still, it doesn't seem as if it is one of the most common names ANYWHERE in the world.  This is much, much different than having 'Johnson' or Smith' as a last name.  ;)

One thing that I have learned in my interweb travels is that there are several well-known and beloved people who have had the name through the years.  During the Finnish Revolution, there was a man who became famous because of certain battles and one city has a swimming pool and statue dedicated to a man who did much charity work.  Right now, there is a photographer who travels the world taking world-class pictures (actually, there might be two photogs) and there is a Grand Prix race car driver with the name.  Both Sweden and Finland have an abundance--relatively speaking--of people with the name.

Another very awesome thing that I found out is that there is a lake, river, mountain pass, river valley, and some mountains in the Russian Kona  peninsula with the same name.  Who would have thought?  Unfortunately, there is little to no info on WHY this area is named what it is--and I don't know how I could possibly find out.  Russia STILL isn't a fountain of info and I don't speak/read the language, so I am pretty much out of luck.

I know there are a lot of people who don't understand the fascination that genealogy holds on me.  They feel as if you should concentrate more on the here and now.  But, it gives me a connection that I never felt while growing up.  When my family came here to the States, there was a sense of putting away the past and the 'old country' wasn't talked about.  I was too young to ask questions of my great-grandparents and I never 'had' grandparents, so any sources of information were missing in my life.  (I only had one grandparent while growing up and we were never close.)  And even though I had three great-grandparents during my early years, they only spoke Finn, so I couldn't have communicated with them even if I would have thought of it.  So, with the help of the interweb, I am able to add a few more pieces to the puzzle that is my family.  And that gives me a happy.  ;) 

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On Status Updates and Tweets

I got onto Facebook because I was 'bullied' by The Oldest.  Basically, she told me that a super-geek SHOULD be on Facebook.  So, being the obedient person that I am, I promptly signed up for an account.  I go there daily--several times a day, actually--to see what is happening and that is pretty much it.  I do update, but not daily.  My main reason for being there is to try and keep up with The Oldest and her family.  Period.

A lot of people, when they first go on Facebook, 'friend' everyone they can.  I would believe that the majority of Facebook users have 'friends' in the three-digit range.  I have less than 40.  But, it ISN'T because I'm unpopular.  ;)  I don't 'friend' people--instead, I wait to be asked by someone else to be their 'friend.'  It is the same way I am whenever I'm in a room full of people:  I feel as if I am intruding on other's lives, so I wait for them to seek me out.  While some people see this as arrogance on my part, it really goes more toward my low self-esteem and basic shyness.  (I know some people would NEVER believe I am shy--I'm too loud for them to see I truly am--but I don't feel comfortable around people I don't know.  I never feel as if I have anything of interest to offer, so I wait for others to come to me.)  And so it is with my Facebook experience, as well.  And that is why I only have 35+ 'friends.'

Of those friends that I DO have, most are relatives--a lot of nieces, nephews, and sons/daughters of nieces and nephews.  I have cousins and their kids 'friending' me, also.  I have, however, gotten a couple of very surprising friend requests.  The first one occurred several months back. 

A person with the same last name as my maiden name--a Finland native--contacted me and wanted to know if I was a relative of (my grandfather) and (my great-grandfather.)  He was doing some genealogy work and asked if I had any information to share--and he would share what HE had.  As it turned out, he IS a cousin several times removed and his info went back to the 1500s.  Amazing!  My Youngest is the genealogist in our family, so she was very excited to have his info.  She was able to give him recent stats that he didn't have, so all are happy.  I still keep in contact with him, to a certain extent, but it is difficult, somewhat.  Contrary to what I was led to believe, he isn't as fluent with the English language as I thought the majority of Finns are--and MY Finnish is practically non-existent.  So, we communicate a lot less frequently than I would like.

About a month ago, I got a friend request from a voice out of the past that I NEVER thought I would ever hear from again.  This woman was the first 'Navy wife' that I met when we got to Charleston after we were married.  I almost plotzed when I got the request!  We exchanged a couple of emails and keep in touch through Facebook.  The thing that stood out about her, though, is that she seems to have the same personality that she did so many years ago:  she is perky.  I don't do perky.  While I think I could be happy getting together for a day or two--they live in Ohio--I could never stand to be around her for too long without wanting to bitch slap her.  Sorry, but happy, peppy, perky people drive me insane.  Now, HOW do I know she is happy, perky, peppy?  In the last email she sent, I believe the exclamation points were more prevalent than the letters she used.  You got that right, she's an exclamation point abuser.  Oooooh boy.

Shortly after 'M' contacted me, another voice from the past requested me as a friend.  And this one floored me even more than 'M.'  He is a guy that K and I graduated with--someone who I never really got along with--actually, we didn't interact hardly ever.  We never ran in the same circles nor had many classes together.  He also was a terrible bully when we were young and he picked on me quite a bit.  So, him 'friending' me was a shock.  We haven't communicated beyond becoming friends, but I'm still surprised.  There are several other people we graduated with who I would have expected to friend me before 'E' did.

And that is my Facebook experience.  ;)

**********

I don't 'follow' that many more people on Twitter--only 35+.  I actually have more people following me than I follow--go figure.  I don't follow everyone there, either, as I could never keep things straight if I did.  ;)  The closest I come to following celebrities are Conan O'Brien and Brendan Shanahan (a retired hockey player.)  (Neither guy tweets very often, but they are very interesting/funny when they do.)  I spend much more time with Twitter than with Facebook, simply because I get most of my hockey news through Twitter.  I don't have very many 'real' people that I interact with on Twitter.  By that, I mean, people who I know in real life.  Other than a close online friend, the only people that 'know' me on Twitter are my Oldest and The Youngest's husband--and they are hardly ever on Twitter.  Still, I would have to add an unlimited message package to my phone account in order to get all of my tweets daily without having to pay penalties.  I believe I get between 200 and 300 tweets a day--WAY over the 200 per month that I pay for right now.  ;)  

As I said, I get most of my hockey news from Twitter--and I do most of my interacting with Wing fans there.  During games, there will be a half-dozen or more fans--and myself--tweeting updates and comments.  It is a bit easier than some of the live blogs that run during games.  Still, with only 140 characters allowed, it sometimes is hard to express yourself fully.  And that pretty much is the biggest problem with Twitter.  Yes, I know there are programs that will let you tweet longer, I just try to stay in the parameters of Twitter--it keeps me from going off on tangents like I do way too often.  ;)

**********

WARNING!  SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION:

So, if any of you are on Facebook or Twitter and would like to have someone else as a friend or follower, just send me an email and we will get it done.  I am ALWAYS happy to 'friend' or 'follow' someone else!  My email is:  outofmymind.cmk@gmail.com

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Let's All Laugh

People have brain farts all of the time, but they definitely make for some funny reading.  Such as:

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a pet for my daughter. I think she’d like one of those furry things. You know, a pikachu?”
Me: *pause* “A pikachu?”
Customer: “Yeah, you know. It looks like a hamster and a rabbit put together.”
Me: “Do you mean a chinchilla?”
Customer: “Yeah! That’s it!”

And then there are those who aren't using their brain cells at all:

(When taking a call from a customer who has a trash pickup problem I usually pull up an aerial picture to see what the property configuration is.)
Me: “How may I help you sir?”
Caller: “I think the garbage truck ran over my cement pad and broke the corner.”
Me: “You mean the small pad on the north side of the driveway?”
Caller: *long pause* “Do you memorize everyone’s property?”
Me: “No, I pulled up your property on my computer and I’m looking at a picture of your front yard.”
Caller: “Wow! That’s really amazing! Wait, wait, give me a second!”
(The customer drops the phone and I can hear him calling someone as he leaves the room. About one minute later he gets back on the phone and is slightly out of breath.)
Caller: “Can you see her now?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”
Caller: “My wife, my wife, she’s out on the front lawn in the white bathrobe and curlers. I can see her waving up at you!”

And we can only hope this teenage girl actually gets smarter with age:

           This takes place in New Zealand.

(A teenage girl enters the library.)
Me: “Hi, do you need help?”
Customer: “Oh, yeah, I’m looking for a book.”
Me: “Okay, are you a member of this library or any other Wellington library?”
Customer: “Oh, no, I’m here with my Mother for the US summer cause I live with Dad in Florida.”
Me: “Okay, we can sign you up to the library for free and issue you a card, the card will cost two dollars.”
Customer: “Okay.”
Me: “So, what book were you looking for?”
Customer: “Twilight. Have you heard of it? Most people in America have read it, but I’m not sure if it’s here.”
Me: “Oh, yeah, it was quite big for a while. My sister loved it.”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s my second favorite book ever, after Eclipse.”
Me: “Oh, did you leave your copy in America?”
Customer: “No, I just wanted a copy from here because everyone here has really funny accents  and I wanted to know how that would change the story.”

All of these are from Not Always Right.

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The End of Blogging?

When I look back on my life, I seem to have cycles of 5-10 years where I am gung-ho about something and then my interest wanes.  Right now, my interest in blogging is getting smaller by the day--and it seems to be that way across the blogosphere.  Along with Facebook, it seems as if people I follow are less and less inclined to do many posts or status updates.  The only thing that is going strong right now is Twitter and some of the Red Wing blogs.  (I am one of the 3,967,542 Wing fans with a blog and I am seriously thinking about closing up shop.  With so many people talking about the same thing, I have next to nothing new or interesting to add to the conversation.)  I think blogging and Facebook have reached their peak and are on the downslide.  And, to a great extent, it makes me sad.  I very much enjoy the people I have gotten to 'know' online and really am interested in what is going on with them.  I would hate to lose touch with a lot of the 'imaginary, fake' friends I have come to know.  Through the years, I have lost several regular readers and often wonder what has happened to them.  And when you don't know real names, it is impossible to contact them.

I haven't decided to close this blog--I will continue on.  I'm still not sure whether I will just blog when the spirit moves me or if I will force myself to post more frequently.  Forcing myself might bring the fire back, but it also may make me hate this whole thing.  The whole thing is a dilemma that I have to work through.  Hopefully it will work out quickly.  :)

(And watch, starting tomorrow the thoughts will start pouring out of me like diarrhea and I will post multiple times per day for the next six years.  That's just the way things seem to happen, at times.  :D)

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Flower X-rays

Hugh Turvey takes pictures of everyday objects--but not just ANY pictures.  The pictures he takes are of x-rays--and they are absolutely gorgeous!  At least the ones he takes of flowers.  Case in point:

 I would SO buy some of these and display them in the living room!  Here are some more of his awesome pictures:  http://trendland.net/2010/08/04/flowers-x-rays-by-hugh-turvey/

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More 'Not Always Right'

Yeah, I think some people are too dumb to be allowed to reproduce.  Case in point:

(A customer walks in with 5 magazines under her arm.)
Customer: “Hi, how much does it cost to laminate one A4 page?”
Me: “That’ll be $0.10.”
Customer: “Great and um, about how many pages are in a magazine?”
Me: “I’d say about 100.”
Customer: “Great, so 100 multiplied by five is 500 hundred right?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Customer: “So 500 multiplied by $0.10 would be $50.00 right?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am.”
Customer: “Yeah so can you like, laminate each page in the magazine?”
Me: “Why would you want to do that?”
Customer: “So I can read them in the bath.”

via Not Always Right.

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'Challenged' Animals

The new post over at Hyperbole and a Half deals with the author's 'mentally challenged' dog.  Anyone who has ever had pets, has had a 'challenged' one at some point in time.  This is some funny, funny stuff.  Challenged or not, pets ARE great--when they aren't hacking up hairballs, destroying the furniture, having intestinal problems...   :D

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Yes, You Can Return That, But...

Some stores have very good return polices and people tend to take advantage of that fact.  (I know of people who went years without buying their kids new winter jackets--all they did was return the old ones at the end of the season and got new for the next year!)  But THIS lady really wanted to take advantage:

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this pot, please.”
(The pot in question is in a box with our store logo on it, but the box looks older than me.)
Me: “Okay. Do you have a receipt?”
Customer: “Yes.”
(The customer hands me a wrinkled, yellow receipt from the eighties.)
Me: “Ma’am, why do you want to return this pot?”
Customer: “The lid gets too hot.”
Me: “So, you have used it, then?”
Customer: “Of course! I use it all the time. But the lid gets too hot, so I want to return it.”
Me: “Well, our return policy is limited to sixty days. You bought this twenty-three years ago.”
Customer: “But I have a receipt!”

(via Not Always Right)

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Couldn't This Be Fun?

There is the saying "If only I was a fly on the wall." in reference to being able to spy/listen to people.  Naturally, that isn't a possibility, but if we had the abilities of some animals, we might be able to camouflage ourselves enough to hide and eavesdrop.  ;)  Here is a story--with pictures--on some masters of disguise in the animal kingdom.  These are some truly amazing pictures.

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For All Posterity

Do you use Twitter?  No?  Then you are missing out on the opportunity to write words that will be saved for all time.  In April of this year, the Library of Congress decided to save every tweet that has been twittered/tweeted since the beginning of Twitter.  (Now THAT is something I'd like to hear you say three times fast.  ;))  It was determined that this will be a great way to preserve the culture, so the LoC will archive every word written via Twitter.  AS if ANYONE wants to remember me going 'Boo, hiss' over tonight's Chicago winning the Cup.  Here is the story from Twitter, if you would like to read more.

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A Bit Tragic, But Horrendously Funny

There have been a few times in my life where I have been very, very sick.  And by sick, I mean a temp over 103-104*.  The times I have been this sick usually corresponded to having strep throat--an illness that I would get twice yearly while I worked at an elementary school.  (Kids are disease-riddled little goobers and they LOVED to give strep to me.)  I never managed to have any great, funny experiences while I was in the death-throes of strep--I saved all of THOSE adventures for when I was hopped up on Demerol--I did find a girl who wrote about HER illness and trying to run a 5K race.  I laughed so hard that the cat looked at me funny.  Here is Allie and her blog titled Hyperbole and a Half.  Her story of the race is entitled Texas.  Be sure to look around her blog when you get there--she is one funny person.  And her illustrations are great, too.  (Read her post Things That Can Make You Feel Like an Idiot Almost Instantly, too.)

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Start The Weekend With A Laugh

From Postcards From Yo Momma:

Mom: You need to schedule a gynecology checkup.  I’m sure you can find a woman gynecologist where you live if you’d prefer one.
Me: Well, the way I see it, it’s like that joke; would you go to a mechanic who had never owned a car?
Mom: Yeah, but he’s ridden in one.

Here's hoping your weekend is full of laughs!  Have a good one.

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Not Always Right

This cracked me up!  :D

(A customer who has just made a purchase comes back into our store asking for help; she’s locked her keys in her car. I go out to try and help.)
Me: “Ma’am, your window is open.”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “Your window. It’s open.”
(The customer reaches in and gets her keys, opens the door, rolls up the window, locks the car, throws the keys back inside, and closes the door.)
Me: “Um…”
Customer: “I know! I know! It’s just that I already called my husband to bring the second set! He’d have given me h*** if he saw the window was open!”

--via Not always Right

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Yes, Sir, That's My Baby

We love our kids--we wouldn't have had them otherwise.  Thing is, kids are work and they DO have the tendency to wreck things.  It is unavoidable, I guess.  And we all have stories about things our kids have ruined.  My youngest, for example, was a chewer.  She chewed EVERYTHING.  It didn't matter if it was metal (the legs on her playpen) or wood (my open, kitchen shelves) or cloth (terry towels--don't ask.)  To this day, I STILL have edges of my shelves that look as if a beaver chewed on them.  And that brings me to the reason for this post, the newest website I have found.  It is called Shit My Kids Ruined and just going through it makes me GRATEFUL that my kids are grown.  I also am grateful for how few stories I actually have, compared to some on this site.  The best part?  Most of the stories have pictures.  Go to the site NOW.  You will be amazed, amused, and everything in between.  And you just might have stories of your own to contribute.

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