I hate painting. There, I said it, aloud, in the studio 3 days ago. This is nothing new to me of course, it is a regular and recurring crisis. But this time I really have to do something about it. In the studio my artist-friend responded, 'you shouldn't feel that way, it should feed you'. It doesn't. It eats me.
How do I know I hate it? When I compare my attitude with other painters and hear that comment from a really good painter. I am impatient mixing colour, it is tedious. It gets in the way. While others revel in the sumptuous textures, minute chromatic variations and plethora of possibilities I can't be bothered. I prefer to mix the paint on the surface instead of the palette. It could have something to do with the 2.4 m. sq. boards on which I am currently working.
But really, if I am honest, I never liked it. I am a tonal painter at best, not a colourist. I am not in love with colour, I love the drama of black and white. Colour is just symbolic to me, not a science in itself as it should be if I am a 'painter'. I love the 'discrete monochromes', the primaries on which someone once queried me, they are deliberate, not just the result of a lazy colourist. If it was good enough for Piero it's good enough for me.
I get annoyed with texture too. The 'required' building up of 'layers', how they get in the way when you have changed your mind about something, when resistant thick painted brushtrokes stop you changing an outline or a surface texture. Grrrr........I am in a hurry to express what I am feeling. It is too volcanic to be slowed down by sticky syrupy sump oil. I need something more fluid.
Why then, do I paint? Because I feel the pressure to do so. To be a 'real' artist. Yes I know that is a ridiculous statement, but there is pressure from others and my own ego. If I am a painter at all it is by default. I can paint but I believe this is only because I can draw. But I honestly believe I will never be a really good painter.
A huge part of being a painter or artist in general, is finding a technique that works. This is the fallback position - if I can really work out a way to paint I will like it. But this far into my career I still hate painting. So, what am I going to do?
The image above is one I did last week. I am calling it a 'glazed drawing'. Yes, it was done with brushes and glazed 'paint', but also with oil pastels, scrapers and rags. Maybe, like another artist friend, I am just no good with brushes. There is too much distance between me and what I am trying to say. I could get closer but then I would be covered in the stuff and I don't like that either. Painting messes with my head, for me it is too much head and not enough heart, at least the way I do it, and I can't do it any other way.
Really, ultimately, I am a draughts-person. I love drawing. And the things that go with it - the immediacy of expression and the drama of tone. There is something raw about it. Yes I know you can get that from painting, but I can't. When I look back over 34 years of artistic expression drawing has always been my first love.
I have persevered with painting because I didn't want to be a quitter. I didn't want to give up because I was 'copping out'. And I still have to be sure that I am not, but if I honestly follow my heart and look back on what does feed me, it is drawing. Now am I going to try and hack my way through the huge paintings in my studio because I might just be able to finish them? I have some serious thinking to do.
artist by nature: painter by default
